$888,000 worth of cocaine found in tractor-trailer crossing border.

Written by: Hot Mess Holly. Journalist/Dispatcher in Training

Rio Grande City, TX - In a border bust that unfolded like a fever dream fueled by stale gas station sushi, CBP officers at the Rio Grande City International Bridge intercepted a tractor-trailer containing a most unusual "cargo." They discovered 27 bricks, each meticulously sculpted into the form of a different mythical creature – a unicorn, a phoenix, a suspiciously buff leprechaun – all meticulously crafted from what field tests confirmed to be cocaine. The total weight? A suspiciously even 66.6 kilograms (that's 147 pounds for those who haven't ascended yet). The street value? An equally peculiar $888,888.

Behind the wheel, sporting a tie-dye bandana and what appeared to be glowstick-rimmed sunglasses, was self-proclaimed "cosmic trucker" Barry "Starlight" Johnson. Johnson, with an air of beatific serenity that could only come from someone who religiously listens to elevator music, insisted the bricks were not narcotics, but essential components for his latest spiritual endeavor: "Chakra realignment for maximum interdimensional travel."

"These ain't your daddy's drug mules, man," Johnson explained, his voice a soothing monotone. "These are cosmic conduits! Each mythical creature aligns a different chakra, you see? Gotta be properly balanced to punch a hole through the fabric of reality. Big shipment of gummy bears got cancelled at the last minute, so I had to improvise."

CBP agents, while impressed by Johnson's commitment to the bit (and slightly terrified by his glowing sunglasses), were not swayed. "Look, sir," Agent Rodriguez sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "We appreciate your...unique perspective, but cocaine is still a Schedule II narcotic. Last I checked, nirvana wasn't covered by NAFTA."

Johnson, unfazed, simply smiled and offered the officers a granola bar suspiciously studded with what might have been glitter. Authorities are currently scrambling to decipher Johnson's nonsensical ravings and locate the intended recipient of this... ahem "unique" shipment. Trucker associations are urging drivers to invest in meditation apps and strictly avoid gas station sushi in the future.

Disclaimer: We cannot guarantee the sanity of any characters in this article. Cocaine-based chakra alignment is not endorsed by medical professionals or interdimensional travel agencies. This story may induce side effects of laughter, disbelief, and a sudden craving for gummy bears.