A Platypus Guide: How to Survive Thanksgiving with Your Family

Ah, Thanksgiving! That magical time of year when we gather around a table laden with turkey, stuffing, and enough family drama to fuel a soap opera. If you're dreading the annual pilgrimage to your family's house, fear not! Follow the Platypus News guide to surviving Thanksgiving with your sanity (mostly) intact.

Step 1: Prepare for Political Warfare

Thanksgiving wouldn't be complete without a heated political debate. Your Maga uncle, who gets all his news from a certain 24-hour news channel, will inevitably clash with your hippy cousin, who just returned from a semester abroad and now thinks they're an expert on global politics. The key here is to stay neutral. Nod, smile, and occasionally say, "That's an interesting point." If things get too dull and you want some entertainment, then casually mention you heard the local high school started teaching critical race theory. Then sit back with a mixed drink and watch as the conversation derails into chaos.

Step 2: The Art of Dodging Personal Questions

Your aunt will undoubtedly ask you why you're still single, why you haven't had kids yet, or why you graduated college with a degree but chose a career as a Starbucks Barista. The trick is to deflect. Respond with a question of your own, like, "Why is the sky blue?" or "Have you ever seen a ghost?" If these basic questions don’t work, then bring out the heavy guns like “Is uncle John still with his mistress or did you two work things out?” Then offer to make her a triple mocha latte with almond milk. 

Step 3: Handling Your Sister's Wild Children

Your sister's kids are like tiny tornadoes, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake. They will scream, cry, and possibly set something on fire. The best strategy is to come prepared. Bring a bag of candy, taffy to be specific to keep them occupied. If all else fails, suggest a game of "Who Can Find the Candy?" Then go hide the candy in the backyard shed, when your sister’s kids find it and start eating it lock them in the shed. With a mouthful of taffy, they won’t be able to call for help giving everyone, even your sister, a little peace and quiet even if it is short lived.

Step 4: The Great Pie Debate

Someone will inevitably bring up the age-old debate: pumpkin pie vs. pecan pie. This is a battle you cannot win. Instead, suggest a pie-eating contest and let everyone stuff their faces in silence. Bonus points if you can sneak away with the last slice of your favorite pie while everyone else is distracted.

Step 5: The Exit Strategy

As the evening winds down and the family starts to get sleepy from all the tryptophan, it's time to make your escape. Have a pre-planned excuse ready, like needing to feed your goldfish or having an early morning yoga class. Make your exit swiftly and gracefully, and don't look back.

Remember, Thanksgiving is about being grateful for what you have, even if what you have is a family that drives you up the wall. Embrace the chaos, laugh at the absurdity, and most importantly, don't forget to bring a bottle of wine (or two).

Happy Thanksgiving from Platypus News!