Apoc-Eclipse: What you need to know.

Written by: Mellow Mike. Meteorologist/Mechanic

Picture this: The sun, moon, and Mars form a celestial conga line, doing the cosmic cha-cha. As the moon slides in front of the sun, it’s like the universe’s DJ just dropped the bass. But this isn’t your ordinary eclipse. Oh no, my fellow truckers. This one’s got more twists than a pretzel factory on a rollercoaster.

Signs of the End Times

1. Zombie Lot Lizards: As the moon’s shadow sweeps across the land, truck stops will transform into zombie lot lizard breeding grounds. These undead reptiles, fueled by diesel fumes and expired Slim Jims, will crawl out from under 18-wheelers, hissing and craving human flesh. Remember, trucker, a well-aimed lug wrench is your best defense against these tire-treaded terrors.

2. Kind Dispatchers: Dispatchers, those mythical creatures who usually communicate via cryptic messages and carrier pigeons, will suddenly become downright nice. They’ll send you heart emojis, offer free coffee refills, and even apologize for routing you through downtown Manhattan during rush hour. It’s a sure sign that the end is nigh.

3. Highway Rest Stops: Beware the rest stops! The vending machines will dispense prophetic fortune cookies instead of Doritos. Crack one open, and you’ll find messages like, “Your next load: transporting unicorn tears to Area 51.” Also, the restroom mirrors will reflect your true destiny—probably involving a career change to professional kazoo player.

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How to Survive the Eclipse

1. Wear Sunglasses: Not to protect your eyes from the sun, but to avoid making eye contact with the ghost of a long-haul trucker who once ate a whole pizza without stopping for breath.

2. Avoid Radio Frequencies Ending in 666: Trust me, you don’t want to accidentally tune in to the “Hell’s Traffic Report.” It’s just an endless loop of demonic GPS directions: “In 500 feet, merge onto the River Styx Expressway.”

3. Carry a Spare Tire (and a Crossbow): You never know when you’ll encounter a zombie lot lizard or a dispatcher offering unsolicited compliments. Be prepared.

4. Play “Convoy” on Repeat: The classic trucker anthem will confuse the cosmic forces. They’ll be too busy line dancing to notice you.
   

Final Thoughts

As the Apocalypse Eclipse approaches, remember that truckers are a resilient breed. We’ve survived blizzards, toll booths, and truck stop sushi. So, keep your CBs on, your eyes peeled, and your lug wrench handy. And if you see a kind dispatcher, offer them a Slim Jim. It’s the polite thing to do before the world ends. Stay safe out there, fellow truckers. And may the cosmic truck scales always be in your favor.

Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual events or dispatchers is purely coincidental. Zombie lot lizards, however, are totally real.