Baltimore Builds Bridge of Dreams after Collapse

Written by: Mellow Mike. Meteorologist/Mechanic

Baltimore, MD - In an unprecedented move that’s sure to bounce the transportation industry back to its feet, the city of Baltimore has announced its partnership with NERF™ – yes, the toy company – to rebuild the recently collapsed Baltimore bridge. The folks who brought us the iconic Nighthawk and the joy of launching couch cushions into low earth orbit are now tasked with solving Baltimore's infrastructure woes.

Chadwich "Foam-Finger" McGinnis, a lead NERF™ engineer, shared his excitement: “We’re taking bridge-building to a whole new level – or should I say, a whole new bounce? Our patented NERF™ material is not just for darts and blasters anymore. It’s strong, it’s spongy, and it’s safety-tested by generations of kids and adults!”

Local truck drivers, however, have raised concerns reminiscent of a wet NERF™ football’s infamous heft. “I’ve seen what happens to my kid’s NERF™ ball in the pool,” grumbled Lamar Drake, a veteran trucker. “It turns into a soggy lump of despair, last thing I need is my rig sinking into a bridge that feels like a giant pool noodle."

Sporting a particularly aerodynamic pair of NERF™ Blast Shield safety goggles, McGinnis, ever the innovator, responded with a chuckle, “Fear not, my heavy-hauling friends! We’ve developed a special ‘hydrophobic’ coating that repels water like a duck in a raincoat. Plus, if it does get a tad heavy, think of it as a built-in speed bump – it’s all about safety first!”

And what if the unthinkable happens – a ship collides with the bridge? McGinnis admits, “Well, in the rare event of a maritime mishap, the bridge won’t collapse – it’ll just lose a chunk, like a shark bite out of a surfboard. It'll be way easier to patch up a NERF™ bridge than a traditional one. Just grab a NERF™ Dart refill pack, and you're good to go!"

So, the future of Baltimore's I-95 bridge appears to be bright... blindingly bright, in the audacious, highlighter-hued way that only NERF™ can deliver.  Truckers, however, are advised to pack an extra-large supply of pool noodles... just in case.

Disclaimer: This article is pure satire, brought to you by Platypus News, where the news is as reliable as a used mudflap. Don't worry, this bridge (probably) won't launch your rig into orbit.