Driver in hijacked semi-truck injures 16, crashing into Texas Safety Department a day post-license rejection.

Written by: Mellow Mike. Meteorologist/Mechanic

In a bizarre turn of events that would make even Ricky Bobby raise an eyebrow, a disgruntled applicant with a taste for fermented soybeans caused mayhem at the Texas Department of Public Safety (DPS) yesterday. Cletus "Cleats" McGruff, a man whose last documented driving experience involved a rogue golf cart and a particularly grumpy gopher, allegedly stole a semi-truck full of organic, locally sourced tofu and used it to demolish the Brenham DPS office.

"It all started with a dang beet allergy test," lamented McGruff, sporting a suspiciously ripped "Support Local Tofu Farmers" tank top from behind bars. "Apparently, my retinas are a little too sensitive for the official DPS eye exam. But hey, that's no excuse to deny a hardworking American his right to haul cruelty-free curds across state lines!"

McGruff, who authorities believe may have confused "tofu" with "fuel," then allegedly hijacked a nearby delivery truck filled with the aforementioned bean byproduct. Eyewitnesses reported McGruff weaving erratically down the highway, yelling about "the tyranny of lactose intolerance" before careening into the DPS building in a shower of silken disappointment.

"Thankfully, nobody got too banged up with the tofu," said a sheepish DPS spokesperson, "mostly just bruised egos and a newfound respect for the strategic placement of filing cabinets." McGruff, however, faces a laundry list of charges, including grand theft auto, unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle (tofu-powered or otherwise), and possibly a violation of several obscure health codes related to the weaponization of fermented soybeans.

In a related story, DPS officials are considering replacing the eye exam with a mandatory "Can You Drive a Straight Line?" obstacle course. We here at Platypus News urge all aspiring haulers to consult a qualified vision professional before attempting to audition for a tofu-fueled demolition derby.

Disclaimer: While this story may be more ridiculous than a runaway chia seed pudding cart, it's purely fictional. Don't worry, the only thing getting hijacked around here is your funny bone. Please drive responsibly, and for the love of Pete, pass your vision test before attempting a tofu-fueled demolition derby.