Driver Poll: What information is most important to you on a job listing?

Written by: Road Rage Ross. Field Reporter/Traffic Hazard

Walcot, Iowa – In an exclusive interview with Platypus News, truckers from across the country have revealed their deepest, darkest secrets when it comes to job listings. Forget about pay rates, benefits, or even the type of cargo they’ll be hauling. These truckers have their priorities straight, and they’re not afraid to share them. Platypus News' very own Road Rage Ross (Strapped into his 18-wheeler with a disco ball hanging from the rearview mirror) hit the tarmac to investigate what makes the modern trucker tick.

“The Number of Rest Stops per Mile” – Hank “Highway Hobo” Henderson, a seasoned trucker with a handlebar mustache that could double as a windshield wiper, insists that the number of rest stops along the route is crucial. “Listen, kid,” he grumbled, “I ain’t interested in fancy health insurance or retirement plans. But if I can’t find a decent bathroom every 50 miles, I’m outta there faster than a jackrabbit on a hot griddle.”

“Availability of Wi-Fi Passwords” – Daisy “Data Diva” Malone, a tech-savvy trucker who’s never seen without her Bluetooth headset, raised an eyebrow. “Look, I’ve got a YouTube channel where I review truck stop showers. You think I’m gonna take a gig without Wi-Fi? I need to livestream my shampoo critiques, buddy!”

“Onboard Entertainment” – Big Tex a driver with a pet armadillo perched on his shoulder: Informed Ross, "The most important thing is the, uh, onboard entertainment options. All rigs gotta have a good selection of polka music to keep me company on those long hauls. Who needs fancy health insurance when you've got the healing power of polka? Besides, a real trucker gets paid in smiles...and maybe some complimentary beef jerky at rest stops."

“Free Coffee Refills” – Mabel “Mugshot” McAllister, a trucker who’s been on the road since the invention of the CB radio, squinted at Ross suspiciously. “You think I’m gonna haul freight across state lines without unlimited coffee refills? I’d rather wrestle a grizzly bear with a broken CB antenna.”

“GPS Directions in Rhyme” – Finally, we spoke to Slim “Sonnets” Sanchez, a poetic trucker who writes haikus about highway exits. “Give me a job listing that's inspirational,” he said, adjusting his beret. “I want directions like, ‘Take exit 42, where the moon winks and the asphalt sings.’ That’s the kind of gig that fuels my soul.”

Forget about retirement plans, dental coverage, or even the company’s safety record. If you want to attract truckers, make sure your job listing includes Wi-Fi passwords, poetic GPS directions, and a parking space big enough for a herd of buffalo. And don’t forget the coffee – it’s the lifeblood of the open road.

Disclaimer: The views expressed by the truckers in this article are purely fictional and intended for comedic purposes. Any resemblance to actual truckers, living or undead, is purely coincidental.