Driver Who Cooks in His Truck Tells Why and Shares a Recipe

Written by: Mellow Mike, Meteorologist/Mechanic

Amarillo, Texas - In an exclusive interview with Platypus News, long-haul trucker Joe “Grillmaster” Gearshift shared his culinary secrets straight from the cab of his 18-wheeler. Joe, who has turned his dashboard into a full-service kitchen, claims he’s found the secret to gourmet dining on the go.

“It all started when I spotted a perfectly good armadillo on the shoulder of Route 66,” Joe explains, flipping something suspicious on a hot plate. “Why let good protein go to waste when you can have a feast?”

Joe’s specialty, Armadillo Meatloaf, has become the talk of the CB radio, though not necessarily for reasons one might hope. He swears by the freshness of his ingredients, all sourced from the great outdoors, also known as the roadside.

“Roadkill isn’t just for vultures, you know. An opossum today, a raccoon tomorrow – it’s like a surprise grab bag every time!” Joe chuckles, seasoning his mystery meat with a dash of gravel for that extra crunch.

His philosophy is simple: if it’s flat and it’s on the asphalt, it’s on the menu. And those parasitic worms? “Nature’s diet plan,” Joe winks. “Keeps me slim and my wallet fat. Who needs truck stop snacks when you’ve got nature’s bounty?”

Despite his enthusiasm, Joe’s cooking classes over the CB radio, “Cookin’ with Grillmaster Gearshift,” have yet to take off. “They don’t know what they’re missing,” he laments. “Roadside cuisine is an untapped market!”

For those daring souls looking to try Joe’s infamous Armadillo Meatloaf, here’s the recipe:

Grillmaster Gearshift’s Armadillo Meatloaf

Ingredients:

• 1 tenderized armadillo (flattened by a Peterbilt preferred)

• A handful of dandelion greens (the yellow ones add a nice color)

• 3 squirts of ketchup packets (bonus points if they’re from a state you’ve never been)

• A sprinkle of salt (just scrape some off your boots)

• A generous pour of motor oil (to make is moist)

• A cup of crushed soda cans (for texture)

• 2 tablespoons of road dust (for a hint of local terroir)

• A pinch of tire rubber (it’s all about that bounce)

• And lastly, a few cigarette butts (for that smokey flavor)

Mix all ingredients in a pothole (preferably one that’s seen less traffic), shape into a loaf, and cook on the engine block while you haul your next load. By the time you hit your next stop, dinner is served!

Joe’s parting advice? “Always pair your meal with a vintage windshield washer fluid. It really brings out the flavors.”

Disclaimer: Remember, folks, this is satire. Please don’t try this at home, or on the road, or anywhere, really. Stick to the truck stops for your meals!