McMystery: Did Trump's "Hamberder Summit" Unleash the McMadness? (Exclusive Investigation)

Written by: Road Rage Ross

MADISON, WI - Brace yourselves, America. Platypus News has uncovered a story so mouthwatering it'll have you running for the Pepto-Bismol faster than a toddler towards a free ice cream cone. We're talking about the recent E. coli outbreak plaguing McDonald's across the nation – an outbreak that, sources say, may have originated from the most unlikely of places: the former president himself.

The Hamberder Summit: A Recipe for Disaster?

Just days before the first reports of E. coli surfaced, a peculiar event transpired at a McDonald's in Des Moines, Iowa. Former President Donald J. Trump, in a surprise visit, was seen behind the counter, personally flipping patties for a "very important summit." Our crack team of investigative platypuses (wearing tiny fedoras, of course) has identified the attendees as a ragtag bunch, including:

• My Pillow Mike Lindell: Spotted attempting to staunch a grease fire with his patented MyPillow.

• Rudy Giuliani:  Allegedly mistook the milkshake machine for a legal pad and scribbled nonsensical theories about rigged McFlurries.

  
  

The McMystery Deepens!

Now, this wouldn't be a proper Platypus News investigation without a healthy dose of speculation. Here's what's got our platypus reporters scratching their webbed heads:

• The "Special Sauce": According to unconfirmed reports, Trump may have insisted on adding a "special sauce" to the burgers. Was it a secret political condiment? A rogue sriracha smuggled in by the former President? The possibilities are endless (and potentially stomach-churning).

• The "Very Important Documents" Incident: During the "summit," a briefcase containing "very important documents" (allegedly containing Trump's Big Mac order history) burst open, showering the grill with… let's just say "unpleasant materials."

  
  

Is Trump to Blame? We Don't Know, But We're Asking Questions!

Look, we're not saying Trump caused the E. coli outbreak. We're just asking questions! Maybe the "special sauce" was a misunderstood immunity booster. Perhaps Trump was disgruntled about a lack of McNuggets. Or maybe, just maybe, it was a case of bad lettuce.

One thing's for sure: the McMystery is far from solved. This Platypus News investigation will remain McOpen until the truth, however messy and potentially ketchup-stained, emerges from the shadows. In the meantime, we advise caution: stick to the fries, at least until we figure out who put the "coli" in the McColi.

Disclaimer: The information provided in this response is for entertainment purposes only and does not constitute a factual news report. The article is a fictional parody and should not be taken as a serious account of real events.