Positive Drug Tests for Truck Drivers Down, FMCSA Says

Written by: Mellow Mike. Meteorologist/Mechanic

In a stunning revelation, the Federal Motor Carrier Safety Administration (FMCSA) has announced that positive drug tests among truck drivers have plummeted to record lows. The reason? A groundbreaking new initiative that involves replacing urine samples with something far more unconventional: interpretive dance.

The Dance-Drug Connection

According to FMCSA spokesperson, Dr. Cha-Cha McTwist, the agency stumbled upon this innovative solution during a late-night brainstorming session. “We were tired of the same old drug testing methods,” Dr. McTwist explained. “Urine samples? Boring. Hair follicles? So last decade. We needed something that would truly capture the essence of trucking while ensuring a drug-free workforce.”

And thus, the “Truckers’ Jig” was born—a choreographed routine that combines elements of line dancing, breakdancing, and interpretive movement. Truckers are now required to perform this dance at random intervals, right there in the middle of truck stops, weigh stations, and rest areas.

The Truckers’ Jig: A Step-by-Step Guide

1. The Diesel Shuffle: Drivers start by mimicking the rhythmic chugging of a diesel engine. Arms pump, legs kick, and heads bob in perfect sync. Bonus points for emitting exhaust fumes from their mouths.

2. The Logbook Leap: Truckers leap over imaginary logbooks, showcasing their agility and commitment to accurate record-keeping. Judges deduct points for any missed jumps or sloppy form.

3. The Brake Check Boogie: This move involves sudden stops, simulated air-brake sounds, and wild arm flailing. Drivers must maintain eye contact with the imaginary “brake inspector” while executing the boogie.

4. The Weigh Station Waltz: A graceful twirl punctuated by exaggerated sighs. Drivers pretend to hand over paperwork to an invisible weigh station attendant, then pirouette away, avoiding any imaginary fines.

5. The DOT Dab: The grand finale! Driver's dab (yes, like the dance move) while reciting the entire FMCSA regulations manual backward. Extra points for incorporating HOS rules into the routine.
   

Results Are In

Since the implementation of the Truckers’ Jig, positive drug test results have dropped by a staggering 99.9%. “It’s simple,” says Dr. McTwist. “If you’re high on something, you can’t execute a flawless Brake Check Boogie. It’s just science.”

Truckers across the nation have embraced the new testing method. “I used to dread drug tests,” says long-haul driver Bubba “Twinkle Toes” McGraw. “Now I look forward to busting out my moves. Plus, it’s a great workout for my glutes.”

Critics argue that interpretive dance is an unreliable indicator of drug use, but FMCSA remains undeterred. “We’ve got the data,” says Dr. McTwist. “And the data says: Keep on dancing, truckers!”

So next time you see a trucker twirling in the parking lot, remember: It’s not a spontaneous flash mob—it’s a drug test. And if they nail that DOT Dab, they’re probably clean. Probably.

Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. The FMCSA has not actually replaced drug tests with interpretive dance. But wouldn’t it be fun if they did?