Secretary Buttigieg says if pot reclassified by DOJ, it is still off limits for Truckers

Written by: Road Rage Ross, Field Reporter/Traffic Hazard

Washington, DC - In the latest episode of “As the Wheels Turn,” Secretary of Transportation Pete “Pothole” Buttigieg played the role of Captain Buzzkill at the House Committee on Transportation and Infrastructure’s latest shindig. He declared that even if the Department of Justice gets a wild hair and decides to reclassify Mary Jane from the no-no list of Schedule I to the “it’s complicated” list of Schedule III, truckers shouldn’t get their hopes up for a green light on the green stuff.

“But folks,” said Captain Buzzkill, adjusting his imaginary aviators, “even if DOJ decides to pass the Dutchie on the left-hand side, the DOT’s still gonna be that one friend at the party who says, ‘Nah, I’m good,’ when offered a puff.”

Representative Rick “The Stickler” Crawford of Arkansas, citing dire warnings from the American Trucking Associations’ chain letters, asked the big question: “What about the truckers?” To which Pothole responded, “Even if Mary Jane puts on a new dress and changes her name to Schedule III, she’s still not getting past the velvet rope of the DOT club.”

Chris “The Enforcer” Spear, head honcho of the ATA, chimed in with a statement that could’ve been a buzzkill itself: “We’re all about zero highway fatalities and keeping our roads as clean as a whistle, which means keeping our truckers as sober as judges. So, thanks but no thanks to any reefer madness on our watch.”

Meanwhile, in states like Alaska, Arizona, and a whole alphabet soup of others, pot’s as legal as a three-dollar bill. But for truckers, it’s still a case of “look but don’t touch,” or more accurately, “smell but don’t inhale.” So, keep those eyes on the road and hands upon the wheel, because the only thing high should be the mileage. Over and out!

Disclaimer: The previous satirical rewrite is like a trucker’s CB radio—it’s all in good fun and not to be taken as the gospel truth. Remember, laughter is the best medicine, but it won’t pass a DOT inspection.